


The Journal of May Wander

by dontcryMasha



Series: Wander in Wonderland [1]
Category: American McGee's Alice
Genre: Modern Era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-03-10 19:42:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13508451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontcryMasha/pseuds/dontcryMasha
Summary: A young nurse has just been moved into the psychiatric wing of Littlemore hospital, where she attends to the semi-comatose Alice Liddell. Captivated by Alice's insane ramblings of a magical Wonderland, Nurse Wander keeps a journal to record her findings, unaware of the fact that she's begun to document a bizarre journey which will leave her questioning the sanity of everyone around her.





	1. Week One

_ Monday, March 5th _

 

This might be atypical behavior for me, but I have decided to keep a record of my experiences with a particular patient. I don’t know what it is about her, but Alice Liddell is positively perplexing. She’s in the psychiatric wing, where I have recently been stationed (it’s a change from hospice, albeit not a very good one). She’s been here for eight years; the first few months were in the ICU where she was treated for second and third degree burns, a result of a horrific fire that killed her family and left her an orphan. Worst of all, she her lose her mind. The poor thing spends most of her hours in a catatonic state, generally unconscious.

Right now, there are three other nurses on staff in the psychiatric wing and we rotate watching Ms. Liddell. She has brief periods of consciousness every so often, most of which have ended in violent outbursts, but I have yet to experience one as I’ve been in this wing for only a week,and the doctor in charge, Dr. Wilson, says her moments happen “every few months if we are lucky.”

Watching Ms. Liddell can be tedious and boring since we simply have to be present in case she wakes up. The other nurses prefer to read or browse the web on their laptops to pass the time while they’re on “Alice Duty,” but I’m intrigued. I’ve been reading through Dr. Wilson’s casebook which details Alice’s outbursts. Apparently, she believes herself to be in another world. Her deranged speeches talk of a “Wonderland” in which her friends live. Something about a hatter and a rabbit, a certain cat and a queen. I believe Dr. Wilson is just as interested in the girl’s psychosis as I am.

  
  


_ Tuesday, March 6th _

 

I won’t have Alice Duty until Friday. Instead, I’m taking care of another patient named Hilda. She is in her forties and has spent most of her life on a binge of unmedicated mania. She’s been here for a year and is quite calm, though her logic is buggered and she tends to not make sense. I take her to art therapy and the game room. Today, during a round of chess, she scoffed at a white pawn (I was black) and tossed it to the floor, muttering, “That awful girl next door’s what ruined this game for me.” When I asked her to elaborate, she clarified that she meant Alice but said nothing more of the matter. She finished her painting of daffodils and said I could have it. Unfortunately I’m not allowed to keep any artwork made by the patients.

 

_ Thursday, March 8th _

 

While I spoke with Nurse Hanigan, the woman who looked after Alice during the week, she seemed to suggest that Ms. Liddell might be gearing up for an episode. I decided to talk to Dr. Wilson and pick his brain about it, specifically how Nurse Hanigan could tell.

“After spending considerable time with Ms. Liddell,” Dr. Wilson said, “You will begin to decipher small clues. For example, her lower lip has been quivering all day. This usually happens before she decides to speak.”

There was a sparkling eagerness in Dr. Wilson’s eyes, not of a diabolic or malicious intent at all, but rather someone who enjoys his work and wishes to learn more so as to help his patients. I second this feeling.

  
  


_ Friday, March 9th _

 

Alice Duty at last! Oh, it seems terrible to rejoice at such a thing, but my compassion and intrigue have me overwhelmed. I’m excited to say that Alice opened her eyes and glared at me as I sat at her side.

“Is something the matter?” I asked her. “Do you need my help?”

No response, just a furrowed brow over her tired, sunken eyes. No doubt she could be a beautiful girl, but the stress of her psychosis has rendered her pale and weak. It’s almost a little scary to have her awake.

“Do you know where you are, Alice? My, do you even know  _ who  _ you are?”

Dr. Wilson advises that we don’t belittle the patients by speaking to them like children, but that we also respect the possibility of brain damage--or at least cloudiness.

“Can you nod? Move a hand? I just want to be sure that you are alright.”

Nothing, just the fixed glare.

“If you need my help, please just move something if you can.”

Alice closed her eyes and fell asleep shortly thereafter. She didn’t do anything else for the rest of the my shift, which ended in the evening.

 

 

_ Saturday, March 10th _

 

I have the graveyard shift, as they call it. I am to watch Alice through the night, which should prove to be interesting. Dr. Wilson says that most of her activity occurs in the middle of the night, and I found his theory to be true today.

It was around 2 o’clock that Alice stirred. As with yesterday, her she opened her eyes wide and glared at me. Even at night, we’re supposed to keep a small light on beside the patient’s bed. I saw the green of her eyes staring at me angrily. 

“Why are you so furious, Alice?” I asked as tenderly as possible. “I haven’t done anything to harm you, nor anyone here. What’s bothering you?”

“ _ A great bloody head of yellow curls! _ ” Alice growled at me. 

I put my hands to my head. She was, of course, talking about my blonde hair that I keep in a bun.

“That’s good,” I said with a smile, “Communicating is good. What else would you like to say?”

I brought out my laptop to transcribe easier. A of course means Alice, and W means me.

  
  


A: Treating me like some sort of invalid.

W: I don’t mean to, I’m sorry, but I am your nurse.

A: Likely a member of the Red Queen’s court.

W: Who is the Red Queen?”

A: [she laughs and takes her eyes off of mine at last] Playing the fool will get you nowhere, nowhere I say!

W: I truly don’t know, Alice. Explain who the Red Queen is.

A: [quieting down]  You don’t know, do you?

W: You can trust me. I don’t know. Who is the Red Queen?

A: It’s  _ her  _ fault that Wonderland is corrupted. Her fault!! 

W: Wonderland?

A: Wonderland!

 

Here, Alice balled up her fists and began to shake. I had to put my laptop aside and call in the orderlies for help. Once they arrived and settled her, she closed her eyes and fell asleep for the rest of the night.

I wrote Dr. Wilson an e-mail with the conversation attached, and he wrote back almost immediately (I guess he doesn’t get much sleep).

 

“How incredible! Three great things happened tonight; Alice acknowledged your presence, she spoke of Wonderland again and she moved!”

  
  


_ Sunday, March 11th _

 

My last day of watching Alice ended better than I thought it possibly could. As I administered the feeding tube through her nose, she suddenly woke up, reached out and grabbed my arm. I was surprised at both the sudden movement and the amount of strength she had. I allowed the girl to pull me down so that her mouth was by my ear.

“ _ I can’t save Wonderland if I keep coming into this hospital room _ ,” she whispered. The voice was like a ghost, gone in an instant as was her consciousness. 

After reporting to Dr. Wilson, he and the upper staff at the hospital decided to make my Ms. Liddell’s primary nurse. “Because she has opened up to you more than anyone else here,” Dr. Wilson explained. “Perhaps it is because of how close you are in age? At any rate, you of course won’t  _ always  _ be watching Ms. Liddell, but whenever you are working, you will be working with Alice. At this rate, I can only hope that she will come around soon.”

Well, then, I guess that wasn’t my last day of watching Alice after all!

 


	2. Week Two

_Monday, March 12th_

 

I sat Alice up in her bed and brushed her hair. It’s a horrible feeling, like grooming a plastic doll only worse and more haunting. I had to bathe her as well, which involves the help of the other nurses. What I found to be funny, and cementing what Dr. Wilson said yesterday, is how Alice is completely gone when I am with the other nurses, but as soon as her bath was over and we were alone, she woke up. I got out my laptop and transcribed more of our discussions.

 

W: How are you doing, Alice? Do you feel nice and clean?

A: Clean from what? The blood of my family? The blood of my friends?

W: You haven’t killed anyone, Alice. Please relax. I’m here to help you get better.

A: Fools! [she snorts and tries to move her arms but she appears too weak].

W: Who is a fool?

A: All of them. They’re all fools. These people who run and hide, they don’t stand and fight. They say it’s all up to me.

W: What’s all up to you?

A: [exasperated] Saving Wonderland!! I have been telling you this over and over but you fail to hear!

W: I see…

A: [she looks at me oddly, thinking hard] Perhaps not. Perhaps not. Have I spoken to you before?

W: Yes, but only a few times.

A: [staring at me in disbelief] Who are you?

W: My name is May Wander, and I’m a nurse here at Littlemore hospital.

A: [laughing] A hospital? _A hospital?_ Well it’s a lousy excuse for one, what with all of the mud on the walls.

W: The walls are clean, Ms. Liddell.

A: Nonsense, they’re filthy! Just--just filthy! And mushrooms everywhere, as if we were in Wonderland. Oh, that’s it, then. A hospital in Wonderland! I doubted there was such a place but I suppose I’ve made it just in time. Goodnight, then.

W: Goodnight, Alice.

  
  


_Tuesday, March 13th_

 

Since Alice has been more active than ever, they scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist for her. Dr. Angus Bumby is his name. He works with the hospital, not for us, and I haven’t met him before. He’s going to see her on Thursday. I suppose I’m not allowed in the session, but perhaps if I’m the only trigger for the girl to speak...I don’t know.

She was quiet today, though aware. My hope is that she will be strong enough to eat on her own soon. Wouldn’t that be something? My even greater hope is that, one day, I’ll look back on these journey entries and remember how that lovely Alice once struggled so much. And we carry on…

  


_Thursday, March 15th_

 

Today was Alice’s therapy session, which as I anticipated, I wasn’t allowed in. Dr. Bumby was kind enough to talk with me afterwards, though. I was curious if Alice was at all active.

“She spoke a bit,” said Bumby. He’s a curious looking man. Tall and thin. Something off about him. Maybe just because he’s a psychiatrist. They’re alright I suppose. “She was good.”

Good? What does that mean?

I asked if him if she was moving at all. He said she spoke but did not move. Her eyes were closed the whole time, which surprised me. Usually it’s the other way around, but I’m learning that she acts differently depending on who is there.

Once Dr. Bumby was gone and I returned, Alice was unconscious again.

 

It’s funny. I have to say...as my shift was ending, I felt strange. Alice had said something about mushrooms on the walls the other day, and I could have sworn I almost saw them. I’m working too many hours, I think.

  


_Friday, March 16th_

 

A: It’s cold. So cold. Why is it so cold?

W: Would you like me to turn on the radiator?

A: No, no. No noise. Don’t do that. Just...ichh...stop the cold. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand _this_.

W: What can’t you stand?

A: All of _this!_ [She weakly moves her hands as if to gesture to the whole room.]

W: This is your room, Alice. You have to stay here. I can’t move you. I’m sorry. If you’re cold, I’ll turn on the radiator.

A: NO! NO NOISE! [she shouts louder than she has before.] I JUST NEED TO GO BACK TO WONDERLAND! NONE OF THIS! NONE OF THIS NOW! [she begins to cry.]

W: Oh, Alice, dear! Please don’t cry. [I dab her eyes with a tissue, which she does not resist.]

A: Please...please...the Red Queen has ruined everything…

 

She continued to cry and hasn’t spoken since. My shift will be over soon. I’ve been laughing at myself for what I said in yesterday’s post. You know, I swear I nearly saw mushrooms on the walls. How silly is that? Today I feel completely normal. Maybe working with these people drives one mad, too.

  


_Saturday, March 17th_

 

Tonight is my “graveyard shift” once more. It’s funny, this is just week two of being with Alice and I feel oddly close to her, yet I barely know who she is. This “insane” girl who yells, babbles and hates so strongly; it’s her but it also isn’t. In my heart, I sense this is a good person underneath all of this. I can’t quite place how I know this or who she really is, but I feel it sincerely. Maybe I’m too empathetic.

Alice came up with a poem, she says it’s for me. She’s been reciting it for hours.

 

_Two pence, sweet scents_

_Kind voice, secrets_

_Bridge down, fruit fields_

_Criss-cross, human shields_

 

I really wish she would stop, but we are to encourage the patients to express themselves so long as they aren’t hurting anyone. And, you know, the more she repeats the poem, I see that she is actually smiling a little bit. I haven’t seen that yet! It is exceptionally special. I wrote Dr. Wilson and included the poem, knowing he’d want to read it.

“Oh, grand! That is grand, Ms. Wander. You certainly have a knack for getting through to Alice. I am most pleased at both you and Alice. She has always been fond of poetry and songs. It’s a delicate and tender nerve for her, in a good way. “I’d like you to press onward with this tactic. Try to encourage more poetry. Tell her to express herself in songs, maybe. You could get a book of poems and read them to her. She might pick out the ones she likes. If you do, and she does, please tell me what they are. I’m intrigued...there’s matter lodged in her brain, we just have to know how to mine it out!”

As I’ve said before, Dr. Wilson’s approach is slightly irritating to me as he treats Alice like a specimen. He experiments on her as a chemist might with chemicals. But, it is his job after all, and in a way she is a series of chemicals to work with. I prefer to keep her human.

 


	3. Week Three

_ Monday, March 19th _

 

I saw Dr. Bumby this morning. He was visiting with another patient. He seemed delighted to see me.

“Ah, Ms. Wander. How’s our Alice doing?”

“She’s been making good progress, actually. I’m glad you asked! Do you know any poetry that she is fond of?”

“Poetry? Hm...I’ll have to think about that. Look over her files. I’ve been seeing Alice for a long time, you know. I’m sure I’ve got notes for that. I will let you know…”

 

When I first came into Alice’s room, she was staring at the ceiling. I asked her what she was looking at but she didn’t answer. What I thought to be another silent day eventually turned into a discussion. It happened after lunchtime. She still hadn’t moved.

 

A: What are we doing?

W: Whatever you would like. Ms. Alice.

A: What are we  _ doing _ ?

W: Well...let’s discuss this feeling. By we, who do you mean?

A: Us.

W: Us as in...you and someone else?

A: Yes. All of us.

W: All of who?

A: Everyone in Wonderland.

W: Ah, I see. Alright, then. What is everyone in Wonderland doing?

A: Yes. What are we  _ doing? _

W: You have told me before that the Red Queen has ruined Wonderland. Is it still ruined?

A:  _ All  _ ruined...terrible...Wonderland is almost gone...and I can’t get anything done.

W: Why is that? Why can’t you get anything done?

A: [angrily] Because I keep coming into this bloody hospital room!! I’m trying to focus on the task at hand--at finding the Red Queen, killing her and fixing Wonderland...it’s going to take forever…I can’t...I can’t keep… [she begins to cry] I can’t keep coming into this hospital.

W: Alice, you shouldn’t feel sad. We’re taking care of you here.

A: NO YOU’RE NOT!

 

She said nothing more for the rest of the day, just cried quietly to herself. I want to pick into her thoughts more; obviously Wonderland is a metaphor that her childlike brain has created, most likely representing her childhood before the fire and death of her family. Wonderland is corrupted now because she’s unwell, but then who is the Red Queen? The personification of the fire, I think. Red like flames. That makes sense. But I have to dig into her deeper to backup these hypotheses.

Dr. Bumby tracked me down before he left and showed me some notes in his office. Apparently Alice was fond of C.S. Lewis as a girl, and a few other poets from years gone by. I took down notes, as I plan to read her some old favorites in the hopes that it will rouse something in her.

It’s funny...Do you recall how I thought there were mushrooms on the walls in her room? I  _ swear  _ I see them again, little red ones! They’re glowing, pretty things. I’m home right now, sitting in the kitchen with my laptop on the counter. I keep rubbing my eyes. I’m working too hard.

  
  


_ Tuesday, March 20th _

 

W: Alice, I’d like to talk to you about Wonderland.

A: Dreadful...so dreadful.

W: I know, and I’m sorry. Tell me, when you leave the hospital, where in Wonderland do you go? A: Back to Wonderland Woods, of course. 

W: And what is that like? A: Wonderland Woods?

W: Yes. How does it look? How does it feel? A: It used to be a lovely place, always calm and pleasant. Flowers, birds, mushrooms--so many mushrooms! But now it’s full of nasty monsters. [dismayed] It’s because of the Red Queen.

W: What are these monsters like?

A:  _ Horrible _ . You shouldn’t even look at them. Great, tentacle-like beasts that squirm and leave slime everywhere. I need something to kill them with but there’s  _ nothing _ . [with sudden inspiration] Oh! I know.  _ You  _ could bring me a weapon.

W: How would I do that? [quite pleased to have Alice acknowledge me]

A: I’ve seen you, yes....oh, yes. I’ve seen just a bit of you in Wonderland. You’ve been sneaking around, which means you can sneak a weapon inside.

W: Oh...what kind of weapon would work? A: One that cuts or smashes. Or both, if that’s possible. You can find something in the hospital, I’m sure. I won’t worry about it. [she closes her eyes and smiles] Yes...bring me a weapon and we will take out the Red Queen.

My conversation with Alice today was unnerving to say the least. I didn’t press the issue, but when she mentioned the abundance of mushrooms in Wonderland Woods, I couldn’t help but question the hallucinations I’ve been having. And then that she saw me in Wonderland. It’s curious, isn’t it? I’m afraid I won’t sleep well tonight.

  
  


_ Thursday, March 22nd _

 

Alice had therapy with Dr. Bumby today. Once more, I wish I could have joined the session. She was talking in the morning, but after seeing Bumby, she slept for the rest of the day. I can’t help but wonder what it’s like to be in her mindset...her dreams seemingly all take place in Wonderland, and the girl truly believes she has to kill the Red Queen. I can’t imagine how something so routinely specific occurs.

Dr. Bumby wanted to chat with me. Part of me wanted to tell him about the hallucinations I’ve been having, but fear of investigation comes up and stops me. I can’t risk anything happening to my job because of this. But still…the conversation took an odd twist that I feel inclined to record.

In the following transcription, Dr. Bumby is B while I remain W.

 

B: You know, Ms. Wander, Alice has been believing in Wonderland since before the fire.

W: So I’ve heard.

B: Does it make you curious, too?

W: It does--

B: [talking over me] Like you just want to climb inside her mind and wander around?[serious]Oh, that’s funny, isn’t it...because your name is Wander.

W: Yes. [nodding] I’ve heard pretty much every joke, rhyme, and scenario you can come up with related to that name.

B: Such a curious name. And endlessly intriguing that a name would come into Alice’s life.

W: [hesitantly] Yes…

B: Alice has been wandering. What about yourself, Ms. Wander? Have you been wandering?

W: [I laugh it off, since he’s getting strange]  It was originally  _ Wandner _ . My great-grandparents were German. Somehow it got changed amidst World War II…

B: Hmm…

W: [trying to change the subject] How was Alice today? Did she speak to you?

B: Only briefly. And you know I can’t discuss the fine details.

W: Right. I know. I didn’t mean to pry, I’m jus--

B: [talking over me again] An insatiably curious girl.

W:  _ Right _ .

B: [stands up] I believe our time is up. 

W: [feeling moderately offended that he’s talking to me like a patient] And I have a long shift ahead of me.

B: Do grab yourself some water before you leave. And take a clean cup. Patients have been touching those. [he offers me a glass]

W: Of course. Thank you. 

B: And, Ms. Wander, remember...I know everything about Alice and her past. If you ever find yourself frustrated or...confused…[he pauses, staring at me] Be sure to talk to me about it. I’ll understand.

W: Thank you, Dr. Bumby.

  
  


_ Friday, March 23rd _

 

I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept hearing rustling around my head but nothing was moving. I’m sure of it. Every time I closed my eyes, I heard it. I heard whispers. Someone calling my name from very far away. I ended up dozing off-and-on in front of the TV to block out the sounds. Again, I was seeing those glowing mushrooms.

On my way into work, I once again thought about telling Dr. Bumby even after how strange he was yesterday. I get this feeling that he knows I’m hallucinating. Perhaps I should just  _ tell  _ him. He could help?

Alice  _ smiled  _ today when I came in. I was elated at first, but once she explained why, my enthusiasm quickly dimmed.

 

A: Have you got me a weapon?

W: A weapon, Alice?

A: Yes, for the Red Queen. I specifically instructed you to bring me one. I saw you in the Woods last night and tried to get your attention but you were horribly distracted. What’s the matter?

W: [I laugh nervously] You’re asking  _ me  _ what the matter is?

A: Yes, of course. This is a matter of life or death, and life will be me and death  _ will  _ be the Red Queen.

W: Alice, do you suppose there is another way to kill the Red Queen other than violence?

A: If there is, I would very much like to know. 

W: Let’s discuss it, then...what the does the Red Queen look like?

A: I haven’t seen her in ages, I wouldn’t know.

W: Well, what did she look like the last time you did?

A: An uppity, cold-hearted bitch!

W: Do you remember when this was?

A: As I said, it was  _ ages  _ ago.

W: How was Wonderland when you last saw her?

A: [plainly] It was fine. Please, you must bring me a weapon to kill her with!

W: Oh, Alice…

A: Here it comes, now. We will see each other shortly.

W: What is that, Alice?

 

She stopped speaking after this, leaving a cold and apprehensive feeling in my chest. I don’t like the direction everything has been going lately; the hallucinations, the coincidental nature of what Alice says, my talks with Bumby. Now I wish I had never become Alice’s full-time nurse!

I had to stop here. While I sat next to Alice, who had fallen asleep, I became overwhelmed with dizziness. I could barely stand up. Right now I’m in the employee break room, and another nurse has taken over for me. I feel like I’m going to vomit. When I close my eyes, I hear the hum of the nurses’ refrigerator, and then I hear a voice in the back of the my head. It’s far away but it’s screaming. My name? It’s hard to tell. I don’t want to hear it!

  
  


_ Saturday, March 24th _

 

I don’t know how I made it home yesterday. I eventually broke out of that state and managed to drive home. I still have a grinding headache, but I don’t hear the voice anymore. I slept through the night and came to work on time. Alice hasn’t spoken all day. 

I saw Dr. Bumby in the hallway and he asked me how I was feeling. “I heard you weren’t doing well last night,” he said.

“A terrible headache,” I told him. “I haven’t been sleeping well, but I’m fine today. Thank you for asking.”

“Certainly.”

He smiled at me as he walked away, then whistled until he went into the stairwell. I felt slightly nauseous. 

When I came to see Alice, her eyes were closed but she was smiling.

 

A: There you are. Did you bring me a weapon yet?

W: I don’t think I’ll be able to do that for you, Alice. I’m sorry.

A: [angrily] But you’re my last chance! If you can’t help me....there’s no possibility for me to kill the Red Queen!

W: I’m sorry, Alice. We should rethink our strategy. Would that be al

 

I had to stop, something’s wrong. Something is very, very wrong. Alice stopped speaking suddenly. I almost fainted, or maybe I  _ did _ .

I came to and saw that the hospital floor had turned into dark, dewey grass, covered in glowing mushrooms. The door out was a natural threshold of tree trunks. How...where am I going?

Where is Alice?!

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
